Vanilla marriage Vs D/s power exchange

Well, well, well, dear readers. I've been very quiet for the last couple of weeks, and for that I'm very sorry. The new academic year started this month, and it's been hard to juggle offline life, let alone having time to see to things online. Now things are settling down a bit more, I think I'll be able to get back to writing posts at least three times a week, hopefully more (when I started this blog I wanted it to be every day, but writing about yourself in detail each day is rather draining)

What's been happening these last few weeks?

As I think I mentioned in passing a while ago (and expanded upon in my other blog), Sean and I have had a couple of problems lately, communication being one of them. The other is my want to have a family. It's something I've been battling with a lot over the last year or so, but recently I've wanted to just give up uni and have a baby and get married and live happliy ever after. This isn't going to happen. There's no way it would work out the way I want it to. Plus, Sean is going to be self employed when he graduates this year, I have a year to go (and probably will stay on in education after)... we'll have no where near enough money to look after a baby.

But I want one. I want to be married. I want to be a stay at home mum and have lots of children and have Sean go out to work and have dinner on the table when he comes home at night, with the kids in bed ready for him to read them a bedtime story.

It struck me a couple of days ago how much I was thinking about this, and in a way it made me rather upset. I wondered why I craved a marriage and children. A wedding certificate doesn't count much these days - the average marriage in this country (UK) lasts less than 9 years. Excepting the more morbid aspects of rights if one of us dies, a marriage really doesn't top what Sean and I currently have. Sean realises this, and tells me that we're going to wait. I'm less rational.

The thing that's bothering me the most though is this question. Why do I crave these essentially vanilla concepts, when what I have at the moment with Sean (A growing 24/7 D/s relationship) is more meaningful, more committing and has a more positive impact on the both of us than a marriage would?

Delving into D/s: Types of slave

I said a while ago that I'd like to take a look at some rules others have come up with to use in their D/s lifestyle. Before I do that, I'd like to explore different roles found in D/s first. For the purposes of this post, and many to come after it I'm sure, I write about a male dom and a female sub. This is by no means a judgment upon other dynamics, it's just this dynamic that I'm familiar with.

Now, we've all heard of the three types of people: dominant, submissive or switch. As has been discussed before, there are different kinds of submissive, and it is the specific role of 'slave' that I want to explore today.

There is a vast difference between being submissive and being a slave. Being a slave is the act of taking submission to a whole new level: living at your Master's feet, pleasing them, being intuitive so that you don't have to be told more than twice to do or not do something. A slave will find great comfort in being controlled (mastered, if you will), and will find a great peace when she is with her Master.

Essentially, there are three types of slave. One person may be just one type, another may be all three. It depends upon the person, and also what the dominant wants out of the relationship.

Three types of slave:
1) Business Slave
2) Domestic Slave
3) Pleasure Slave

The business slave is the one you will read the least about when reading online journals. This is a person who will happily take on tasks for the dominant that are related to work. Often, the dominant owns his own business, and the slave will take care of the mundane paper work, accounting, organising or other activities that otherwise eat up the dominant's time. The slave will often be employed by the company, therefore having a salary. This by no means de-values the slave's position as submissive. It's often hard to recognise duality of the slave's life - dominance in work, submissive in nature.

The domestic slave is one who takes great pride in looking after the home. She is tidy and organised, and is often a brilliant cook (whether she is a natural or had be to taught, she still enjoys it). There is nothing more satisfying for her than welcoming the dominant into his tidy, warm home after a day's work, with dinner about to be served.

The pleasure slave is the type most heard about when reading online journals. This is the type many submissives strive towards. A pleasure slave understands that her reason for being is to please the Master in all things sexual. Ideally, a pleasure slave will never be fully satisfied, so that she is always ready for sexual use or service. The slave has no say in when, where, nor who with; this is all up to the Master, who also has the responsibility to make sure the slave's safety is not compromised.

What would I like to be? Ideally, I'd love to be both a sexual and domestic slave. These are things that, in the long run, I'm aiming for. Even if in the end Sean finds he doesn't want to be a full-blown Master, I'd still love to be intuitive enough to give him what he wants in bed, and to let him feel that he can take it when he pleases. I'd love to be a proper domestic worker - keeping a safe, clean home. That's something I really need to work on (standards around here have dropped since we started back at Uni). I want to become a good cook. I want to get into a routine of cleaning and cooking (with a sensible menu) so that it doesn't have to change much when we have children. Oh yeah, I do want to have children. I want us to be in a stable relationship, with no problems. This is something that, ultimately, I think our application of D/s will achieve.

More resources:
London Fetish Scene Wipipeadia
Magic's World

The Weekender #7: Gifts

This weeks question comes from David:

Is there anything about the whole BDSM 'scene' that bothers you?

Well. I've spent a long time trying to think my way through this one, as there is something that bothers me a lot about the BDSM scene. However, I think it's something that'll annoy quite a lot of people out there... so much so that I deferred the question by a week to try to come up with an answer.

Here it is. The thing that bothers me about the BDSM scene is large numbers of submissives who proclaim that their submission is a gift to their dominant. Many of these people, in my mind, are only offering their submission with several strings attached... Yes, in a very real sense a gift is given "without compensation", but those who proclaim their submission as a gift, also proclaim it as something they can chose easily to give and take away.

I have always felt submissive. Not only in the sexual sense, but in every day living. When there were arguments, I tried my hardest to resolve them, often feeling like I was the one in the wrong when I was trying to state my point of view, and often submitting to the other person to "make them happy". I have always wanted to please my parents, often taking my mother's odd mannerisms to keep her from becoming displeased with me. Even now, there are many things I do to try to keep the peace and please my significant other - I cook, I clean, I do the washing when he can't, I remind him of things, I plan his diet so he doesn't feel ill, I try to offer solutions to his problems. To me, all of this is part of my submission to him. All of this is part of who I am.

To say that all of that is something that I chose to give him, and something that - should he mistreat me - I'll be able to take away again doesn't sound true. All of those actions, even down to cleaning (which I don't enjoy), are actions that I do to please him. I don't do them because I feel that I am giving to him, I do them because I want to be cherished, I want him to be pleased with me... and maybe I'd get a reward. Therefore, these actions are not a gift, they are done with a goal in mind - even if that goal is as simple as "the house will be tidier, and HE will be pleased with me". I think that if we ever do break up, I'll find it extremely hard to take my "gift of submission" back again, it's something I'll always be giving him - if not in house-hold chores then in respect when I meet him - and it'll be something that'll be very hard to break.

Further more, I find that those who proclaim their submission as a gift are those who expect even more in return. To quote one example, "Oh, I could never give myself to someone who doesn't love, respect and care about me. Someone who doesn't want to take care of me forever, solve my problems, give me roses every week, is always romantic, never demanding and who wants to marry me too. To this man, I'll give my submission," Read through that statement again, admittedly taken out of context (this isn't the author's view), and you'll see that actually there are many strings attached to the "slave's" submission - even the rather vanilla strings of "is always romantic" and "buys me roses every week".

One thing that I find I want to conclude is this: if submission is a gift, then so is friendship in general. So is marriage, and so is dominance. In each of those scenarios, the one who is giving is also getting something in return, be it a mutual friendship, teamwork or someone willing to be dominated. After-all, who is a submissive if she doesn't have any one to submit to?

I feel that there is much more that I want to say, but can't find the right way to say them. There is one part of the "gift theory" that I appreciate - it makes the consentual part of the relationship clear. This is something that shouldn't be forgotten. At the end of the day, a dominant has no right to force his submissive to stay in the D/s relationship. To sum up, I'll once again refer back to a blog named "Submusings" written by KrynInterrupted: “The submission is the dedication and commitment that makes the power exchange possible. That is the gift because it’s given freely and whole-heartedly.”

Mmmmm....

I feel like I am drunk. Really drunk. I haven't touched alcohol in over a year. So why the drunkenness? Well, Mel just gave me awesome head. Awesome. She knelt infront of me, put her arm right round my bum, aligned my balls and lower shaft with her boobs, bent her head over and took the head of my cock in her mouth and then pushed me into thrusting using her arms. I had her hips between my knees, I felt one with her. And boy did it feel good?!

Afterwards I just wanted to sleep, so we cuddled up on bed and Mel slept for 10-20 minutes before I made her get up to go cook my dinner.

Now I am all sleepy. Life is good.

Sean.

Tee hee

Isn't alcohol great? This is the second time in 24 hours that I've been just a little tipsy. I can feel it in my legs. Sean's just finished braiding my hair. And it looks really cool. I think I'm going to say thanks by giving him a very good blowjob, with a little (or a lot) of boobie action.

This is just an update to say why we've been a little quiet. The full explaination is on my other blog - here. Let's just say that we think we're over it. So all is good.

I hope to sit down tomorrow and write out the beginning of my answer to David's question for the weekender ("Is there anything that bothers you about the BDSM scene?") Don't forget if you have a question, you can go ahead and ask it and we'll endevour to answer it.

And now, I'm going to let my tipsy-ness get the better of me and say goodbye before the typos are too bad to correct!

xxx

Hehehe I wonder how long it'll take to come through on Sean's RSS? He's on his PC right now. Probably wondering why I'm taking so long to "thank" him. ...

Definitions

This is something I've been meaning to sit down and do for a long time. This post holds a set of definitions, intended as a list of the terms you might encounter when reading about any aspect of the BDSM lifestyle. It is by no means an exhaustive list, and I intend to add to it over time as I learn more.

BDSM & Associated terms

APE - Absolute Power Exchange.
BBW - Big, Beautiful Woman.
B&D - Bondage & Discipline.
BDP - Border-line Personality Disorder.
BDSM - Catch all acronym, comprising of Bondage & Discipline, Domintion & Submission, Sadism & Masochism.
Bottom - The person who recieves during a scene. Eg they may be the one who is tied up, or the one being spanked etc. They may also be a masochist. Unlike a submissive, a bottom may give instructions to the top about what happens in a scene, and when certian activities may be performed.
CBT - Cock & Ball Torture.
CNC - Consentual Non-consent.
Dominant - Often shortened to Dom (male) or Domme (female). A partner who takes the role of giving during a scene, often incorporating many top tendancies. A dominant will often also take the role of carer or teacher for their submissive, and the role often extends outside the scene.
D/s - Dominition & submission (Note the capitalisation, often used to donate "rank" or respect).
Gor / Gorean - People who follow practises as set out by John Norman in his Science Fiction novels "The Chronicles of Gor".
Masochist - A person who takes sexual pleasure out of recieving pain, they will often (though not necessarily) take the role of bottom or submissive during a scene.
Master - Also known as Mistress or possibly Dominatrix if female. The dominant role in a power exhange relationship, where the master takes "control" of the submissive for a large proportion of the time the couple are together. Thus the difference between a dominant and a master is the degree of dominance. It must be noted that the role does not extend to power over the submissive's legal rights. It can also be noted that a master may have more than one submissive under his "control". Also, many people gain a sense of power or servitude during a scene by referring to the top as "master", though this must not be confused with the daily role of a master.
M/s - Master & slave relationship (Note the capitalisation, often used to donate "rank" or respect).
OTK - Over the Knee - a position used during spanking scenes where the spankee is literalty bent over the spanker's knee.
O/our - usually written by a submissive when referring to both her/himself and her/his dominant. Read as "our" (Note the capitalisation, used to donate "rank" or respect).
RACK - Risk-aware, Consentual Kink.
Sadist - A person who takes sexual pleasure out of inflicting (causing) pain, they will often (though not necessarily) take the role of top or dominant during a scene.
Scene - A BDSM encounter between two or more people. Although usually erotic, there may be no sexual contact between the participants.
Shibari - a type of Japanese bondage, often very decorative.
Slave - The submissive role in a power exhange relationship, where the submissive has given the right to their dominant to exercise authority over them. Thus the difference between a submissive and a slave is the degree of submission. It must be noted that the role does not extend to giving up legal rights. Also, many people gain a sense of power or servitude during a scene by referring to the bottm as "slave", though this must not be confused with the daily role of a slave.
S&M - Sadism & Masochism or sado-masochism.
SSC - Safe, Sane and Consentual.
St Andrew's Cross - a human-sized piece of bondage equipment in the shape of St Andrew's cross, can be free standing or fixed to the wall, with restraints along it's length to use on the bottom.
Submissive - Often shortened to sub. A partner who takes the role of recieving during a scene, often incorporating many bottom tendancies. However, unlike a bottom, a sub doesn't expect to give orders during a scene; indeed many subs enjoy giving up "control". The role of submissive is often extended to outside the scene, and often will carry out orders that aren't of a sexual nature, Eg house-hold chores.
Top - The person who gives during a scene. Eg they may be the one who ties someone else up, or the one giving the spanking etc. They may also be a sadist. Unlike a dominant, a top doesn't have "control" over a bottom's actions outside the scene.
TPE - Total Power Exchange.
Violet Wand - a device used to apply low current, high voltage static electricity to a person
W/we - usually written by a submissive when referring to both her/himself and her/his dominant. Read as "we" (Note the capitalisation, used to donate "rank" or respect).
YKIOKIJNMK - Your kink is OK, it's just not my kink.
Y/your - usually written by a submissive when referring to another D/s couple. Read as "your" (Note the capitalisation, used to donate "rank" or respect).

Revamping our rules

This week's Weekender Question comes, once again, from David:
Is there anything about the whole BDSM 'scene' that bothers you?

I haven't had very long to think about this question, and I think I'm going to have to defer it to next week. I have an answer, but not one I can properly back up at the moment. My answer will probably anger quite a few submissives out there, and we don't want that unless I can give well explained and researched reasons for my point of view. So I'm going to mull over it for the rest of the week and then on Sunday I'll write down my thoughts, well explained or otherwise.

So, to keep you all entertained, and to give a point to this post, I'm going to go a little into what's been happening over the last few weeks. Both Sean and I have been through a bit of a rough patch, but we've come out on top. We've been together for six years, and in that time we've had a couple of rough patches. Mostly, they've been due to the feeling of "being in love" disappearing. I don't really want to go into it here, here isn't the place. If you want to read more about it, you can read about it on my Black Dog Blog (Also called "Mel's other blog" in the sidebar). In the end we managed to open up the communication channels - a thing that has been closed between us for too long - and the result of that is that we're now more able to talk to each other openly, even about very serious issues. That's something that is essential in this lifestyle, we think. After last week's Weekender ("Where do you want to be in five years time?") I had been thinking about Sean's point that he wants "a much larger list of rules that we have both agreed upon". I've been wondering about what sort of thing would constitute as a rule.

We currently have five basic rules, and they serve as a basis for a subtle change in the way we both live our lives. As Sean has put it recently, he wants our rules to be generic, to be the way the law should be: There should be a small list of generic rules (Eg "Don't kill people"), which gets expanded upon in a separate rule book (Eg "Don't kill, but it is okay to kill if you're a soldier"). So at the moment, our rule list is rather generic, easy to remember and perhaps not in detail enough. This is probably what inspired the comment on the current rules post from a person who, rightly, chose to remain anonymous: "Poor amateures...". Of course we're amateurs! (I'll leave my ranting to be put in another post. Perhaps the one that I'll be writing on Sunday...)

I look around at various websites and lifestyle blogs and I see many submissives or masters who post a huge list of rules. Some total to more than 100 individual rules. I'll gladly sit there and read them, take on board some of them as they seem to be a good idea, and then disregard the rest and spend my time wondering if the submissive actually manages to keep to all of them all of the time. Of course, for spankos, perhaps the idea is that they only keep to some of them some of the time... but then where is the respect in this? I'd want a list of rules that, given time, I'd be able to keep to all of the time. Rules, in my mind, are there to make life easier for both the master and the submissive. I'd happily have some rules that tell me what I should be doing each day. But, as I've realised recently, I thrive on regime so while it'd suit me to live that way it probably wouldn't suit many others.

Well, two new rules that we have come up with, which need to be refined before they are added to the list, are:

• I must shave at least once a week, or more if there's a special occasion that demands it, or Master asks. I'm not big on keeping myself smooth, so this will be a challenge for the first couple of weeks. By the way: read here about how to keep yourself from getting razor burn "down there".
• I will sleep on the floor once a week. During my birthday celebrations, I slept on the floor at Sean's feet and found out that I really enjoyed it. He also enjoyed a very good night's sleep. So each Sunday that's what I'll be doing. If I've been a bad girl, I may even be bound. We chose Sunday because Sean has a 9 o clock start on Monday, while my Mondays are lecture free
  

Like I said, they need some work but in the end they'll be added to our list. I think possibly a new weekly/fortnightly feature we'll run for some time is exploring D/s rules, either by me finding rules pages and writing my own opinions about them, or by readers telling us about their rules and what they mean to them. I might even approach some bloggers who I read regularly to get their opinion. I think this would be a good exercise. (And making it a weekly feature means I can't skimp out of doing it.)

So if you're in a D/s relationship, why don't you share your rules and your reasons behind them? I know I'd like to read your responses, and with your permission I'd like to expand on it. You can give your opinions in the usual way: leave a comment or send a mail.

Can't wait to hear from you!