On thoughts and feelings...

From MasterABD, when he was musing over why he blogs:

We have random thoughts flow in and out of our heads far to often to honestly believe that a punishment involves only reflection. What random thoughts flow through this girls head. What is she thinking she doesn’t want her master to know. What is she thinking she doesn’t want others to know. Something like “I was kneeling on upturned beer bottle caps writing for my master and for some strange reason what I had to make for dinner suddenly popped into my head” would be much more to my liking.

What do I think about? We know about the physical actions Sean and I partake in, you've seen some photos of us, but what about my actual thoughts and feelings? Aside from the odd out-of-character post about my depression, or the odd story post, you don't get to peer into my mind much. So let's talk about what's been on my mind these last couple of days.

Yesterday, while in the study, for some reason I have now forgotten, Sean allowed me a quick peek down his shorts. While the opportunity was there, I quickly lent over and gave the shaft of his cock a small kiss. I guess it was just a show of my affection, or perhaps I was hinting that I was a little horny. Whatever, the reason for it doesn't matter [Incidently, my kissing of his shaft eventually lead to a rather quick afternoon shag...]. After I kissed his shaft, he pulled me back up to his face and gave me a proper kiss; a tongue probing, passionate kiss. I commented that I was glad he wasn't "phobic, like some guys". He didn't understand what I meant at first, so I elaborated for him. I'm very glad he isn't one of the guys that won't kiss a girl after she's been sucking his cock. I've chatted with some guys about it before, and they've often made it clear that they won't have anything to do with a girls mouth once it's been used for giving him head. I guess its the fear of she's been down there, and it's dirty etc (there may be a part of him that fears that he would be gay if he kissed her after she's done such a thing? I don't know, I'm just guessing here...). I would be devastated if Sean looked at me with disgust as I clambered up his body after giving him a blow-job, seeking a kiss or two as a sign that he really did enjoy it. I love those post blow-job kisses. He's just so sedated and happy, it lets me shine in the knowledge that I've done well.

Anyway, after I had elaborated, Sean thought about it for a moment and soon commented that he's been there, sucked on a cock, and knows he doesn't like it much. It doesn't stop him from kissing me after I've been down there. He guessed that as he knows this about himself he doesn't have to worry about his sexuality as much as a guy who isn't so sure. So we're back to the fear of being gay, that if you kiss a girl who's just swallowed your come, you might inadvertently taste ...

Hang-on. I know what you're all thinking now. Did she really just type that? Sean's sucked on a cock? That's exactly how I felt too, I carried on thinking along the lines of why a man should worry about tasting his own come, when suddenly the words "he's sucked on a cock" sprang to my mind. I'd forgotten all about that.

Back a couple of years ago, after I had hinted to Sean that maybe I liked girls, he hinted back at me that he may like men. While my hinting about my sexuality got me nowhere (I still haven't done anything more than kiss a girl), Sean's hinting got him a lot father. Probably because he's less passive than I am. Once he knew it was fine by me if he went and explored man-to-man things, he managed to land himself a date through a mutual friend. We planned it for a day we knew I'd be working. I found this to be frustrating (I wanted to be there... I wanted a girl to play with... I was jealous of the position he was in), though at the same time it was for the best as then I knew I couldn't interfere. He went off, had some fun, and at the end of the day knew that men weren't for him after all. Oh, and he passed on some blow-job tricks that his date had shown him.

My mind wheeled with all of this knowledge I had forgotten. That old jealousy rose up again; not jealousy because I wasn't there, but jealousy because he'd had that elusive same-sex encounter. I sat quietly for a while, watched Sean as he carried on with some work on his computer, just remembering how the whole situation was brought up and how quickly he'd managed to get it all sorted out. Why couldn't I do it like that? Why couldn't I have done it in my teens, get it all figured out and be openly bisexual? (Or, indeed, know for sure that I wasn't, if that's the way it worked out) Eventually I managed to say the words, "Sean?" I mumbled rather quietly, "When do I get to go down on a girl?" He looked at me for a moment and then smiled. He mused out loud over the fact that he'd had five hours for 'free' with his date. He then told me what I wanted to hear, "It's only fair you get five hours for free too". When I asked where, he said "here", when I asked when, he told me "whenever". All I had to do was let him know as soon as I could that it was going to happen (Or that it had happened, if that's the way it goes). I was rather surprised to hear him say that to me. We had talked recently about threesomes, but then he'd told me he wasn't ready to share me. So when a girl actually came on to me at the gym (the first girl who has ever come on to me, or so I've been aware of), I declined.

I messed up my opportunity of a lifetime, my first girl-on-girl experience. She was ready for it, she was handing it to me on a plate. I just outright refused her because I thought I was doing what my boyfriend wanted by declining and leaving it to a day where he felt more comfortable.

I'm now, as the British say, kicking myself. I really should've taken her up on the offer of a drink. I should've at least got her number. So it would've been a one-night stand. So what? That'd be two firsts in one go. I just wish Sean had told me about my five free hours earlier. At least now I know. Will I ever see her again? I doubt it.

How does one go about picking up women anyway?

Technorati Tags: bisexual, blowjob, girl on girl, MasterABD, open relationship, regret

Yawning sex?

So, Mel has complained that I haven't posted in a long time. And it is true, I haven't. I have been very busy working on a project with some friends, which I must complete by September, and unless I spend basically 48 hours a day doing it, it ain't gunna get done. My apologies...

Last night.

As wednesday night was such a powerful night for my Mel, she said at the time that she probably wouldn't be horny for quite a while due to how completely satisfied she was. And true enough, she wasn't that horny last night... At least not at first...

Mel will never refuse me sex, and is quite happy to have sex whenever I want. But when she is not really horny, she just sorta lies there. She partakes in kissing, e.t.c., but she is very sheepish, she just wants to follow, has to be told to do everything, is very poor at taking hints. This can make sex a lot more effort than I think it should be. Her attention does not seem to be elsewhere, which is good! It is purely enthusiasm during foreplay she lacks, I think. Once we are fucking she is more enthusiastic again, and often comes multiple times.

Well, last night she was lacking drive. I was really horny. I engaged her in foreplay, but she was not getting hornier. I decided that, as I had told her before that as my sex slave she should always be ready for me, she deserved punishment. I opted for our new old friend, the spoon. A few whacks and moans later, and I decided we should have some variety. So I got out her oldest [and thinnest] collar, and started spanking her with that. Though, it was more of a whipping, what with this being a flexible leather, round metal studded collar.

That seemed to work. She was starting to feel the pain now! This was probably the hardest I had hit her since we moved in, though she took the punishment like a good slave, without making too much noise [our housemates were asleep downstairs].

I tried both sides of the collar, seeing the different effects of them, enjoying watching the redness come up on her bottom, which was across my legs, her feet hanging in the air, and her head and hands supporting her on the floor.

In the end I had to stop, as the side of the bed I was sat on was cutting the blood supply off from my legs and they were beginning to become a little uncomfortable. I made her stand up, where I threatened to spank her breasts a few times, enjoying watching her flinch, telling her she must stay still. When I was done with my fun, I sent her back to the bed.

We sat down, and I picked up a poster I had yet to put up, entitled 'A periodic table of sex' - you guessed it, loads of different sexual positions laid out in a table like the periodic table.

I chose position 14: 'Yawning', which apparently isn't as boring as its title suggest. The man is on top, thrusting from the knees, the woman underneath, facing the male, her thighs clasping his hips. Their fingers interlock, and she pushes gently upwards, allowing them to stare into each others eyes as the fuck.

Mel didn't fully get it from the picture [the average women's lack of spatial awareness compared to the average man is a scientifically proven fact. This does NOT mean ALL women have poor spatial awareness, but I am afraid that Mel does...], so we decided to practice, in reverse, whilst I still had my boxers on. Mel enjoyed pretending that she was the one with the cock [as her dreams may let on] and ended up humping my leg as we kissed. I love it when she grinds against me, it is so arousing!

Soon I turned her over and we engaged in 'Yawning', which was brilliant. I love watching Mel's face as she is nearing orgasm, and especially when she is orgasming. I can tell she isn't faking it as her whole face goes bright red, even purple, and drains away quickly once she has come. She stares me hard in the eyes, letting me know that she is completely dedicated to me. Wonderful!

Not long afterwards it became too much for me and I came, at the same time as her. It felt wonderful. Afterwards I was weak, and my arms and fingers felt like they had had a full workout in the gym for a couple of hours. After a bit of kissing and cuddling, I went downstairs and had a shower, finally getting to bed shortly after 2, but being cool, refreshed and satisfied. I slept the best last night than I have done for ages, I only wish it had been earlier then 2, what with being woken at 9. I generally enjoy a good 10 hours in bed per night. [It takes me ages to get to sleep, even sleeping pills don't make it come in less than an hour. Some nights I can lay awake for over 4 hours.]

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading this post, it has taken me almost 2 hours to write. No wonder I don't blog often! I must get back to work now.

Laters,

Sean.

Turning into a spanko

I hope someone can help me out. The term 'spanko' - does it apply to the spanker or the spankee? Regardless, we are both beginning to enjoy our regular spankings very much. This was taken* the day we broke the spoon. It's now a slim paddle. I'll have to find a file at some point so I can smooth the edges down so I don't get a splinter. Because that would be very, very bad. The darker red spotches on my right cheek are where the spoon snapped. Even today, three days later, my bottom is complaining about being sat on. It's a new sensation for me, and a rather exciting one at that. May the spankings continue!

*Image removed
Technorati Tags: HNT, image, photo, spank, spanking, spanko, spoon

Fuck!

"Fuck!" we both said as we collapsed on to the bed together. Some lightening flashed, my eyes darted to the open window. Perhaps half a minute passed before we heard the low rumble of the distant thunder. There was a smile on my face as I lay on my back. I felt exhausted, and wished it would cool down so I could just get to sleep. The heat was making me feel restless, even though I was tired.

"So how many times did you come?" Sean asked me as another lightening bolt lit the room. This one was just sheet lightening, the thunder sounded miles away. A lot quieter than it had been some ten minutes before.

My smile turned into a grin, "I lost count after two." I knew the number was probably in the teens.

"Well, you had three right at the start," Sean told me. At the start, it had been an innocent fumble to get my panties down and my dress up. Sean had sat on the bed, and I sat ontop of him, my back towards him so I could look out of the window at the night sky. His fingers had been on my clit as I slowly moved above him, up and down on his hardened cock. As the lightening came closer, and actual bolts became visible, I had come three times in quick succession from the movements of his fingers over my clit.

"And then, uh, you had some more when you batted my fingers away," he carried on. "I think it was around five or six. Then, when we went to the desk, if I'm right, you had around seven more?" he questioned. Ah yes, the desk. It sits right infront of the window. I ended up lying across it as Sean worked me from behind. He held onto my hair, forced me to look up at the lightening. "No, wait!" he said, "I held onto your hips for at least three of your orgasms before you collapsed onto the desk. Then I held your hair, and forced you to watch the flashes. I must've seen you through at least five when we were like that. So that makes at least eight on the desk. Probably a couple more. We have to get a video camera!" I laughed then, I couldn't believe I had orgasmed so many times. But wait, there was more.

"Then when we got to the bed, we carried on rough for a bit, and you came once more before I told you we were going to start making love." Oh yes, I could remember that point. When he had said "Now let's stop fucking," I had a moment of confusion, "Now what?" I had asked, not even realising what was going to come next, "Let's make love," Sean had said. And that we did.

"I think you had around four before you said you couldn't do any more," Sean carried on. Ah yes. I had experienced that feeling before, but never on such a grand scale. Multiple orgasms are great and everything, but there's only so much a body can take. By that point, I was shaky and parts of me were spontaneously tensing, and had I lifted my head it would have felt very heavy indeed. We slowed down for a while.

"And then a couple more when you asked me to go rough again, and then once more when I came too." Sean finished. No wonder the first thing to escape my lips after we had finished was the word "fuck."

Not bad for twenty-five minutes of work.

Thunderstorms are great.

Technorati Tags: multiple orgasms, orgasm, sex, storm, thunder

What I want: realised

"So what you want is a nice hot bath, then?" Sean asked me.
"Well, yes, I guess it is," I answered. I was in two minds. On one hand, I'd really love a relaxing bath with my boyfriend. On the other hand, our bathroom is rather moldy. Good old student houses - 'Let's rent it out to students rather than spend out on renovating it!' - nice and moldy. The bathroom isn't really a place to engage in erotic behaviour. It isn't even a place to engage in relaxing behaviour. In the end I opted for a shower. It was a nice cool shared shower. We took turns washing each other. It ended up being a purely functional shower rather than a form of foreplay, so I'll skip to the part where we end up back in our bedroom and Sean had slipped my collar round my neck...

I knelt, naked, on the bed by candle light. Sean's hands glanced over my throat before he placed the black leather collar round my neck. My wrists were already cuffed and held in place behind my back by a carabiner. He then attached a chain to the D-ring on my collar. Tonight was not going to be a walk in the park. Already, my bottom was red; my fault for being naughty during the week. The punishment had been twenty-two swats with the wooden spoon for certain rule infringements. He had asked me to call out the number of beatings I had received each time he swatted me. Number ten particularly stung. I paused before saying "ten" to give me time to unscrew my face and gulp down tears. It was during this pause that Sean informed me he had snapped the spoon! [I guess I should say at this point that the 'spoon' was more of a wooden spatula. It had snapped lengthways to produce a thinner version of itself] Nonetheless, the punishment continued with the slimmer spoon, it's reduced size now making the swats rather stingy indeed.

Sean grabbed the chain, pulling me from the bed and leading me to the bedroom next door - our housemates' spare room. He motioned for me to sit on a chair, which he promptly tied my chain to. "Stay" he commanded. I didn't see I had much choice, sitting in the darkness, not being able to move from the chair. He soon came back, and I imagined the grin on his face as he knelt in front of me, pushing my legs apart. Before delving into my folds, he told me that he remembered he'd said one day that we'd have to 'christen' each room in the house. I guessed that tonight was going to be about christening the housemates' bedroom. How wrong I was.

Not soon after Sean had descended to be face to face with my most intimate of areas, not soon after he had tasted my sweet juices, he untied my chain from my chair and led me downstairs to the living room. There he tied me to the arm of the sofa, and asked me to lie along its length. I complied. I was in a totally subservient mood, due to my earlier spanking, and I didn't want to ruin it one bit. Was I in for a surprise! Sean descended down my body once more and I was in heaven - being eaten by candlelight, perfect!

Sean's lust for me soon grew too much for him. I was untied from the sofa and lead to the kitchen. Once there, the chain was tied to a chair in such a way that left me prostrate across the table, ready for whatever was coming my way. In one deft movement, Sean had mounted me. I had to stand on tiptoes to keep at the right height for him. The pounding was relentless, but good. Oh so good! My breathing was hard and loud, my lust for orgasm obvious. Did I come then? I don't remember.

I do remember that at some point we retreated back upstairs to our bed, where Sean once again mounted me, this time he was on top of me and holding my wrists down - they'd come lose at some point. I couldn't have asked for a better break to my abstinence than this. I hope tonight gets the same treatment, though we'll have to find a new implement until I get round to sanding the rough edge of the slimmer spoon. It's almost a wooden paddle now.

Technorati Tags: BDSM, bondage, discipline, naked, restraint, sex

What I want

What would I like to do tonight?

Hmmm... well, not having sex for the last week, I am pretty horny.

Not having had a proper shower for a couple of days I'm pretty stinky and sticky too.

Let's put the two together.

I'd like to take you to the bathroom. I'd like to strip you down and see your glistening body. I'd like to strip for you, and stand in the bathroom in all of my naked glory. Let's run the water in the bath. Let's light some candles. Let's settle down in the water in each others arms and tell each other of our future together. I'll wash your hair, if you do mine.

No honey, I don't want to do it here. Not in this moldy bathroom. You're getting horny, I know, but we need to get unsticky first. Let's enjoy the quiet atmosphere, away from the computers and TV. Away from our housemates. Yes, I know it's the only bathroom in the house, but they're away for the week anyway. Let's just sit back and relax for a bit.

Oh no. I can see it hardening between your legs. I guess time is running out for our relaxing bath. I guess it's time to get out.

I'd get out first, I know you like to see the water running down my body. A towel? Yes, I guess I should have one, for my hair at least. Here's yours. Here's a hand to help you get out of the bath. Have I been naughty these last few days? I'm sure we can think of something I haven't done. Or something I have done that I shouldn't have. I'd run upstairs, giggling as you swat my bouncing ass.

Yes. What I want tonight is some sweet, clean fun.

Technorati Tags: bath, relax, wants, water,

Sugasm #39

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Dying breed?

I mentioned in passing the other day that Sean and I "wonders whether Mel wants the lifestyle she says she wants. Does she only want it restricted to the bedroom? She replies that she wants to want it, but currently she doesn't actually want it." perhaps a little more wondering is needed.

I've been very content these last couple of weeks. Sean commented that I'm good at 'being a slave' when it comes to sex and cooking. And it's these two aspects I've relished. In the sex side of things I've almost always felt like I've wanted to serve. A long time ago I asked Sean that given the choice, would he rather be forced to give pleasure, or be forced to receive it. He laughed, he said that most people would rather receive pleasure. I'm one of the ones that would rather give it, because I get pleasure from seeing the results from my pleasuring him. I've always known this. The cooking side of things has only come about more recently, in about the last six months. There was a time when Sean did all of the cooking and I opted for the washing up, but I now find pleasure in cooking for him. Granted, it's a little stressful when he comes into the kitchen and offers to help, but doesn't know my current set-up. At the end of the day it's worth it. I even had a go at making banana bread this afternoon, and the result was rather pleasing (even if he didn't want to try it the moment it came out of the oven). In these two aspects of our life I am very happy acting the slave.

The bits I'm not so happy about are when he randomly says "do this". A part of me screams out that he's being lazy and I don't want to do what he says. Something like when we've just settled down to watch TV together and his glasses are in the opposite part of the house; I then have to go and get them. If he catches me in the wrong mood I get very 'huffy'. I can't help it. I want to stamp this huffiness out of me, but I don't know if I can. I don't see why I should go and get his glasses when he's the one that left them there. That's just one example, and maybe it's me that sounds selfish rather than him sounding lazy. I don't want to be selfish, I want to make Sean happy. That's my first priority, or at least it should be. I want to help... I want to please. There just seems to be this part of me that says I shouldn't.

Maybe it's to do with my upbringing. Hah! Nearly everyone has something they don't like about themselves that they blame on one of or both of their parents. In my case I blame things on my mother. Mrs Only-my-opinion-counts Melanie-you're-not-going-to-do-his-washing-are-you?. Basically she regrets giving up her job when I was born and being a stay-at-home mum. She's passed this regret on to me. From a young age I was taught that the only way to get anywhere in life is to get as good an education as you can, then get a great job. Kids don't feature anywhere... Well, she only mentions grand-kids when she's drunk, after the whole "Melanie I love you" and "we're really proud of you" speeches. She regrets having me at a young age and not having done anything with her life. I disagree with her, she's done loads; she's brought up three children and has kept a stable home, she's still married to my father and they obviously love each other still. She doesn't see any of that as an achievement. She sees it as a waste of her life.

Over the last couple of years I've had a few comments from her along the lines of "don't do his washing, he'll get used to it," and "you don't do the cooking all of the time, do you?". This morning I was on the phone to her, and she asked me what I was going to do today. When I replied that I had to get some shopping and tidy the house, she sounded really disappointed. It's not as if I have anything else to do, I don't have a job currently (unlike the rest of my house mates) so it seems logical to me that I do the tidying and cooking (at least, for Sean).

I even get comments from L. "Cooking for Sean again?" she says each evening. Well, someone has to, and he's busy working. Besides, I enjoy it. And I'd never treat Sean the way she treats C. Their relationship seems to almost be like ours, only with the woman in charge. But L just assumes she can have what she wants, and takes it for granted that C will do it for her. C ferries her around everywhere, and she still expects more from him. She expects respect, just like my mum does. Anyway I'm getting side-tracked.

My point is, is it really that bad that I want to serve? Is it really that bad that I want to make sure Sean is happy? Is it bad that I feel selfish, even though I'm one of the least selfish people I know? Mum, L and Sally make me feel that way... though they are all dominating women. I don't think I've come across a woman who isn't dominant. Maybe I'm hanging out in the wrong places. Are we submissive women a dying breed?

Technorati Tags: master, mother, M/s, serve, slave, submissive

Black and white revisited

As I found out last week, I'm quite the fan of black underwear under white clothing. This week's photo* is taken from a new set. Originally I was intending on posting something a little more explicit, but I rather like this one. Don't you? It's quite tempting to crop images after uploading them from the camera, but this time I resisted. I could sit here and point out the bits I don't like, but then you'd notice them and that's the opposite of what I want to happen. I want you to imagine what could've happened between you and I after you took the photo. Did the shirt stay on? Did you rip it off of me? What's next? What else am I wearing? I'll let you decide...

On to another topic, one that I mentioned a couple of days ago. I am thinking about setting up a new site. This site will act as a "story archive", where I will make regular story postings. At the moment my idea is to post a chapter a week in a blog format. I will then give the option for you, the reader, to purchase the next chapter a week early for a nominal fee. It'd be in the style of an "e-book" (it'll be sent to your inbox, ready to read when you want it). There will also be the complete story for sale, with photos. This would of course depend heavily on whether I get my act together and actually do the work. So I'd like to know what you think. Would you be interested? Please leave a comment and tell us if it's worth doing. Cheers.

*Image removed
Technorati Tags: HNT, image, photo

How to fuck during a heatwave

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Sex is better when...

"Yes, sex will get better, but only when you stop doing it with him."

I couldn't believe it when I read the last article in a magazine I had brought a while ago. On the cover it boasted of "30 love lessons to live by" and "Ditch the dating rules, fix your relationship", but on the back page I found an article telling anyone who read it that we're all better off single. Or at least, our sex lives get better when we are not in a relationship that we've been in for over two years. It tells me, "nothing beats fresh flesh", "I feel sexier single", "My coupled-up friends don't get as excited about buying a new sparkly top"... I should break up with my boy-friend so I can get more excited about sparkly items of clothing? No thank-you. Maybe I'm a little more reserved than I should be, judging by page 196 of February's Cosmopolitan, at least.

Wait. Me more reserved than the average 20-something British woman? Hang-on. I'm the one running the S&M Sex Blog here. And it's all thanks to my wonderful boyfriend Sean, who suggested running it in the first place. My boyfriend, who I've been with for the last six and a half years. Looking further into the article, it tells me about a bloke who's girlfriend is a "lad's mag fantasy - tiny waist, big breasts, gorgeous". It tells me he thinks his sex life is disastrous because he loves her so much he can only be gentle and caring in bed. It goes on to say that that's "hardly the height of passion". Perhaps the magazine should suggest that couples who feel like that should turn to some light BDSM. That's what helped to bring the sparkle back to our relationship. Suddenly we were able to talk to each other about our sex life, and we were able to indulge each other in what we wanted. Rather than saying we should look elsewhere for new, fantastic sex, the mag should say "bring out the handcuffs". But maybe that's just my opinion.

On to another subject. I have a little announcement to make. Sean and I have been discussing this for a while, and we'd like your opinion before I put in a whole lot of work into a new project. Being broke is a fact of student life. Sean's alright for money; he has a lot of savings. I don't. I get a £3000 student loan each year, paid in three installments. None of those installments are paid over the summer, and last [academic] year, almost all of my loan went on accommodation. This year, as I am renting during the summer (and paying for it monthly rather than quarterly), I am left with very little money. Factor in that I am already £500 overdrawn, and my loan doesn't come in until October, and no-one seems to want to employ me... I am rather broke. I'm not here begging for money. I've seen other bloggers do it, and all they say is "I'm poor, give me money" and put up a little donate button for you to click. Rather than beg for money, I thought I might start a project. You'd enjoy it, I think.

What I am proposing to is set up a new site. This site will act as a "story archive", where I will make regular story postings. At the moment my idea is to post a chapter a week in a blog format. I will then give the option for you, the reader, to purchase the next chapter a week early for a nominal fee. It'd be in the style of an "e-book" (it'll be sent to your inbox, ready to read when you want it). There will also be the complete story for sale, with photos. This would of course depend heavily on whether I get my act together and actually do the work. So I'd like to know what you all think. Would you be interested? Please leave a comment and tell us if it's worth doing. Cheers.

Technorati Tags: BDSM, begging, love, money, relationship, sex

Sex is so much better when...

... you're fully involved. Sean commented after our late night fuck-fest last night that I "um... participated more in the foreplay". Which I did. It came as a surprise, as at the beginning I was just looking forward to going to sleep.

The temperature here in the UK is up in the 30s (that's high 80s for the Americans), and we're not used to it. Last night Sean and I stayed up watching videos until 3 am, when we eventually agreed we had to go to bed. It was still too hot. I rolled over to Sean and decided to give him the kind of good-night kiss that I used to want to give him, but didn't for fear that it'd make him horny. Well, it doesn't matter now if I make him horny before bed, as we share the same bedroom; he doesn't have a ten minute walk home after saying good bye to me any more. It was one of those very long, very slow, tongue-probing, loving, sloppy kisses. The kind where there isn't much passion, per se, just lots of love. Sean wondered out loud if I was trying to make him horny. I told him I wasn't. I told him that I'd just given him the kind of good-night kiss I used to want to give him, but felt I couldn't. His cock, when my hand lightly grazed it without meaning to, felt extremely hard. There was no way I was getting out of this one.

Over the last couple of weeks, my sex drive has been slowly waning. It probably happens to most people. There are just times where sex isn't at the fore-front of your mind. Sean's hadn't waned at all, though, so of course we were still indulging in carnal pleasures. I'd became very passive during our lovemaking, though, which after a while isn't so good. Just because I'm submissive by nature, doesn't mean I have to be passive... and often a wholly passive sex partner isn't heaps of fun. I imagine that over the last couple of weeks, I've been letting Sean do most of the work, and I think he's been starting to notice (I can tell, 'cos he's been asking more and more if I'm okay). Foreplay has been a matter of "tweak the nipples, rub the clit 'till she's come and then penetrate", with varying degrees of "kisses and having her suck cock first". I'm not saying that foreplay like that is bad, just that our foreplay had settled into that little run of events, without straying much from them.

Last night, though, was very different. I suddenly found myself actually horny, and more than willing to take part. I knew the way I wanted it. So much so, that by the time we were doing it, I had him grasp my wrists up above my head in one hand. I had him tell to me come. I directed him a lot more than what I have been recently. And it was great!

Technorati Tags: foreplay, sex, sex dive

Self image is a wonderful thing, most of the time

Self image can be a wonderful thing if you're a wonderful confident person. Or even if you're not that wonderful, the right self image can make you feel wonderful anyway. The right self image can increase your confidence, your self esteem, your happiness and your smile.

I enjoyed a very positive self image all through my childhood. Right up until around the age of fifteen. Sean and I met when we were fourteen, and on that weekend we built an oven out of mud. A long story of why we were doing it, but the reason I'm telling you is because Sean has commented time and again of how I was different from the other girls, I really got "stuck in" and acted like one of the boys and had a lot of fun. That's was attracted him to me.

My self esteem has decreased quite a lot since then, but my actual self image has stayed the same. My negative self esteem has led me to believe (at times) that I am a fraud when it comes to education, but my self image has remained positive; I know I'm not fat, I'm a little short but that makes me cute, my boobs are just the right size, and so on and so on. Whether, when looking at my photos, you agree with me is a different matter, and one that I'm not going to argue about. What you find attractive is probably a lot different to what I find attractive.

What point am I going to make? When does the sex come in? ('cos, surely, after all this non-posting time, I must have some sex tales to tell now, right?) The sex comes in just a moment. First, I have to take you back to something that happened three days ago...

As you may be aware, Sean and I have just moved in together. We are living with another couple too, and to save them possible future embarrassment I shall refer to them as L (female) and C (male). [I promised myself I'd never refer to people as just a letter, but then I'm already referring to a J in other posts...]. We are living in a typical student house, which means each bedroom door has a self-locking lock on it. On the day in question, somehow the one key to C and L's bedroom got left in said bedroom before C closed the door. Which promptly locked itself. Which left them locked out of their bedroom.

Fortunately, the bedroom is on the ground floor, and the tiny window was left open. C, full of masculine pride, climbed up on the window-sill and tried to get through. Which he couldn't, he's full of muscle. For the same reasons, Sean couldn't either. L couldn't... which left me. We tried putting me though head first, and got as far as leaving me hanging upside down as we tried to work out which way round my knees should bend to fit my legs through. I was probably upside down, bent at the middle with all my weight resting on a thin strip of my stomach for about five minutes as we tried to figure it all out. Eventually, we met the neighbours as they came and gave their two-cents on how it should be done. In the end I was shoved through upside-down and backwards, just to show how much fun it can be. Three days later, and the bruises on my legs, stomach and chest have come up nicely. My back aches too, as do my boobs. All of my squish-y bits had to squish through that gap, and they're now regretting it.

Anyway, my point? Today Sean and I went to our bedroom for some get-rid-of-this-horniness-but-at-the-same-time-keep-it-lazy-because-its-hot sex. We got upstairs, I watched him undress and then it was time for me to do so. As I pulled off my jeans and t-shirt, the ugly brown and purple bruises stared up at me. As did my belly, which has grown over the last month due to it not going to the gym to be kept in shape. Suddenly I was hit with this strange new feeling. A feeling of yukkiness. A feeling that I should put all of my clothes back on, topped with a big jumper, and go downstairs and watch TV. Sean had been somewhat building up to this moment, though, and there was no way I was going to let this new feeling get in the way. I had been looking forward to this, he'd been away for the weekend. I was touched when it became obvious to me that he knew something was up. In the end, I became more focused on him, I kept my clothes off, he settled for a blowjob, and he kept complimenting me. Most of the compliments were in the form of groans, sighs and "stop, otherwise I'll come!", which are perhaps the best form of compliment you can receive when you're sucking on your lover's cock.

My point is, that's the first time that my self image has been negative. In almost twenty-one years - even with having a mother that believes only her opinion counts, even when I was a size 14 when I was twelve years old (back when all 12 year olds were skinny), even when the kids at school made fun of me when I shaved all my hair off, even when I suddenly had breasts at age 10 and my whole class talked about it behind my back - that's the first time my self image has been negative.

I find it funny that it was solved by giving Sean a blowjob.

Technorati Tags: blowjob, esteem, self image, sex, window

HNT: Not just black and white

So, happy half-nekkid thursday, everyone*! I don't know about you, but I love a girl in white trousers with black on underneath. We are back, live and kicking, and should be returning to our regular posting schedule. Here's hoping tonight my ass goes from black and white to black and blue!

*Image removed
Technorati Tags: ass, HNT, photo

Hello everyone, from the depths of the University library

Wednesday morning.

Boom! My eyes snap open. What was that noise? Cannons, I think, and I roll over and go back to sleep.

Boom! "What was that noise?" I mumble to Sean, who is dosing next to me. "Thunder," he replies, "you should know." It's too early. I roll back over and try to sleep. Boom! The thunder wont stop. I open my eyes for a while, listening out for the next thunder clap. A flash! The storm is getting closer. I'm getting restless. It was our first night in our new house last night, but the bed hasn't been 'christened' yet. I roll over back to Sean and let a sigh escape my lips. "Sean?" I ask. "Go and find the condoms then," he tells me.

Ah. Condoms. Damn.

I look in the boxes in the bedroom, the study and the landing. I go downstairs, careful not to wake our house mates, and look in the boxes in the kitchen. Can't find them anywhere. Eventually I return to bed, unsuccessful. Damn it, why did the thunderstorm have to come before we have properly unpacked?

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You see, even now we still haven't found the packet of condoms. I remember packing them, leaving one out just in case we needed it before we moved (we did). I just don't remember where I put them. We've gone through all the boxes at least four times. And there's a lot of boxes. It's a good thing the University Health Service provides condoms for free. I'm sitting here with my purple paper bag of joy, just itching to go home and try them out.

Any way. This is a quick hello from the depths of the University library. We have ordered Internet access, and we should have it by this time next week, in time for the next HNT. We haven't posted one today because we haven't had time to take one, and also Os requested we all post a themed photo for the independence day holiday. He said for non-Americans to take a photo of what we did at the weekend... Well, how interesting can a photo of me unpacking boxes be? Possibly I could make it raunchy, though not as raunchy as Figlieaf makes folding clothes...

Technorati Tags: comdoms, figleaf, moving house, storm, thunder, uni

A small hello, some non-sex musings and a meme.

Hello everyone.

This month is a new beginning for us. Last month was an end of an era; I think I really did see the end of my childhood last month. With my Granddad passing away, I've come to once again question my beliefs and I've been a little surprised at what I have found. Through-out my teens I've been swaying between believing in reincarnation and believing in no afterlife what-so-ever. Why, then, am I so sure that if I take the time to talk to my Granddad, he will be able to hear? When I was young, my parents told me that if I burnt the letter to Santa then he will know what I had written, even though he was miles and miles away. I honestly believe that if I write something to my Granddad and burn it then he will know of what I have written. I don't know if this is a belief I have come to on my own, or if it steams from my parents' teachings about Santa. I guess it's a mix of both. This conclusion I've come to intrigues me, though. If I believe in no afterlife, or in reincarnation, how can my Granddad be around for me to talk to? This is something I haven't really talked about with anyone yet, as I'm not sure I could hold up my new found belief against someone like Sean - someone who knows that there is no left-over soul after you've died to float about and go into heaven or into a new body, and has known it for a long time.

Also, this new month sees Sean and I actually living together for the first time. So this is another element to my childhood coming to an end. Even though we've been together for over six years, the fourth of July is going to see us living together as a couple (I don't think I have mentioned we move in together on Independence Day... Even though we aren't American, I still find it rather ironic.), paying rent and bills together, cooking for each other, sleeping together each night, caring for the house... The list is endless. It's going to be so different to anything we've done before. I can't wait. On top of that, I now have an office job. A real job that isn't retail or fast-food. These two things combined together make me feel like I've been plunged into adulthood in the deep end, and with my beliefs being questioned again I don't see a way back. I'll be celebrating my 21st birthday in a few months, and then I'll be grown-up for sure. All I need to do now is graduate, and I only have 12 months of lectures and labs left until I do that!

There's one more thing I wish to tell everyone. I am in love. I guess it sounds funny for someone in a long-term relationship to say that. But something Sean and I have known for a long time is the feeling of "being in love" doesn't last more than around 6 months. I think it's actually been found in Scientific experiments, I'll see if I can dig up the issue of New Scientist that had a 'love special' a few months ago. The feeling of being in love is to do with brain chemicals. Anyway, I'd just like to say that Wednesday night I fell in love with Sean all over again during a proper love-making session. You could tell it was the real thing, the love-making I mean, because afterwards Sean actually commented, "I think that's that first time we've made love in ages". I was on a super high, that spilled over into the next day and is still with me now. Even with everything that's been going on, I feel fantastic. Being in love is a fantastic feeling.

On to site maintenance... We still don't know how long we will be without Internet in our new house. Our guess at the moment is two weeks, but I might be able to fit in the odd post at the Uni library. You'll have to wait and see, I'm afraid. To keep every one amused, I wrote a post a couple of days ago summarising our last 6 months of content. I think it was a labour of love, it took over two hours. So while I'm away from the Internet, there's always the post below you can check out. Well, that's it for now. Good night my friends.

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I got this meme from Padme, who got it from butterfly. Unlike before, I'll just do the bolding and ilalicising and if anyone wants to know more then leave a comment and I'll elaborate. If you want to do it, go ahead and do it. I'm not tagging anyone on this one, because I'm not around enough to read them all at the moment.

1) Bold what is true about you. (in red)
2) Italicise what you wish was true about you. (in blue)
3) Add one true thing about you to the end of the list.
4) Tag five friends (no tags, only if you want to do it)



* I miss somebody right now.
* I don't watch much TV these days.
* I own lots of books
* I wear glasses or contact lenses.
* I love to play video games.
* I've tried marijuana.
* I've watched porn movies.
* I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
* I believe honesty is usually always the best policy.
* I curse sometimes. As opposed to constantly.
* I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
* I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
* I have broken someone's bones.
* I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
* I hate the rain.
* I'm paranoid at times.
* I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
* I need/want money right now.
* I love sushi.
* I talk really, really fast.
* I have fresh breath in the morning.
* I have long hair.
* I have lost money in Las Vegas.
* I have at least one sibling.
* I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
* I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
* I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
* I like the way that I look.
* I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
* I am usually pessimistic.
* I have a lot of mood swings.
* I think prostitution should be legalized.
* I slept with a roommate. (read: flatmate)
* I have a hidden talent.
* I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
* I have a lot of friends.
* I have pecked someone of the same sex.
* I enjoy talking on the phone.
* I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
* I love to shop and/or window shop.
* I'm obsessed with my blog.
* I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
* I have a cell phone.
* I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
* I've rejected someone before.
* I currently like/love someone.
* I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
* I want to have children in the future.
* I have changed a diaper before.
* I've called the cops on a friend before.
* I'm not allergic to anything.
* I have a lot to learn.
* I am shy around the opposite sex.
* I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
* I have at least 5 away messages saved.
* I have tried alcohol or drugs before.
* I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
* I own the "South Park" movie.
* I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga, Livejournal or Blogger.
* I enjoy some country music.
* I would die for my best friends.
* I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.
* I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
* Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
* I have dated a close friend's ex.
* I am happy at this moment.
* I'm obsessed with guys.
* Democrat.
* Republican.
* I am punk rockish.
* I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
* I study for tests most of the time.
* I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
* I can work on a car.
* I love my job(s).
* I am comfortable with who I am right now.
* I have more than just my ears pierced.
* I walk barefoot wherever I can.
* I have jumped off a bridge.
* I love sea turtles.
* I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.
* I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
* I am proficient on a musical instrument.
* I hate office jobs.
* I went to college out of state.
* I am adopted.
* I am a pyro.
* I have thrown up from crying too much.
* I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
* I fall for the worst people.
* I adore bright colors.
* I usually like covers better than originals.
* I hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays.
* I can pick up things with my toes.
* I can't whistle.
* I have ridden/owned a horse.
* I still have every journal I've ever written in.
* I talk in my sleep.
* I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.
* I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
* I wear a toe ring.
* I have a tattoo.
* I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
* I am a caffeine junkie.
* I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.
* If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.
* I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
* I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.
* I'm an artist.
* I am ambidextrous.
* I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed.
* If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.
* I have terrible teeth.
* I hate my toes.
* I did this Meme even though I wasn't tagged by the person who took it before me. (but she'll like to read it, and didn't tag anyone herself :P )
* I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
* I have lived in either three different states or countries or provinces
* I am extremely flexible.
* I love hugs more than kisses.
* I want to own my own business. I'll never get rich working for somebody else.
* I smoke.
* I spend way too much time on the computer than on anything else.
* Nobody has ever said I'm normal.
* Sad movies, games, and the like can cause a trickle of tears every now and then.
* I am proficient in the use of many types firearms and combat weapons.
* I like the way women look in stylized men's suits.
* I don't like it when people are unpleased or seem unpleased with me.
* I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds.
* I have played strip poker with someone else before.
* I have had emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.
* I believe in ghosts and the paranormal.
* I can't stand being alone.
* I have at least one obsession at any given time.
* I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again.
* I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.
* I'm a judgmental asshole.
* I'm a HUGE drama-queen.
* I have traveled on more than one continent.
* I sometimes wish my father would just disappear.
* I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am.
* I am a Libertarian.
* I can speak more than one language.
* I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.
* I would rather read than watch TV.
* I like reading fact more than fiction.
* I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.
* I have no piercings.
* I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.
* I have been so upset over my physical gender that I cried.
* I've been married and am now divorced.
* There have been times when I have wondered "Why was I born?" and may/may not have cried over it.
* I like most animals better than most people.
* I own a collection of retro game consoles.
* The thought of physical exercise makes me shiver.
* I have hit someone with a dead fish.
* I have written/read erotic stories.
* I am compulsively honest.
* I was born with a congenital birth defect that has never been repaired.
* I have danced topless in front of dozens of complete strangers.
* I have gone from wishing I was a boy to revelling in being a girl to feeling like a boy again in the span of five minutes, and not cared a whit for my actual sex.
* I am unashamedly bisexual, and have different motivations for my desires for different genders.
* I sometimes won't sleep a whole night or eat a whole day because I forget to.
* I find it impossible to get to sleep without some kind of music on.
* I dislike milk.
* I obsessively wash my hands.
* I always carry something significant around with me.
* Sometimes I'd rather wear a wig in day-to-day life than use my own hair.
* I've pushed myself to become more self-aware and thereby more aware of others.
* Even though I live on my own I still cry sometimes because I miss my mother.
* I hand wrote all the HTML tags in this document.
* I've liked something which a majority of people claimed was either bad or weird.
* I have been clinically dead for a brief period of time
* Instead of feeling sympathy/empathy with people and their problems, I simply become annoyed.
* I participate/have participated in auto drag races and won.
* I do not 'get' most comedy acts.
* I don't think strippers are money-greedy or slutty for dancing.
* I don't like to chew gum.
* I am obsessed with history/historical things and can't wait for someone to build a time machine so I can be the first to use it.
* I can never remember for the life of me where I parked the car.
* Had the TEEN ANGST thing going for at least 2-3 years.
* I wish people would be more empathic and honest with each other.
* I play Dungeons and Dragons weekly.
* I love to sing.
* I want to live in my mother's basement when I grow up.
* I have a custom-built computer.
* I want to create a certain someone's babies, even though there's a 0% possiblity of ever achieving it.
* I would be in a relationship with one of my pets if they were human.
* I've gone skinny-dipping.
* I've performed in three plays, all of them Shakespeare.
* I enjoy burritos.
* I'm Irish and lovin' it.
* I have a thing for redheads.
* I am a twin!
* Most times, I'd rather do something intellectual instead of doing something generically 'fun'.
* Once I set out to finish something, I always stay at it until it is completed before I move on to something else.
* I wish there were a way to erase past mistakes.
* I wish I could do High School all over again.
* I have big interest swings every year.
* I have loved Pokemon since the beginning and continue to do so.
* There's no genre of music I dislike.
* I've read every work written by my favorite author(s)
* No matter how much I sleep, I'm always tired.
* I'd rather eat out than cook.
* I am obsessed with actors that are older than I am.
* I can move my little toes independently.
* I enjoy purchasing and wearing articles of clothing and/or accessories that have skulls on them.
* I trip over my own feet at least once a week.
* I hate not knowing how to love
* I still fantasize once in a while about an ex.
* I find incredible freedom in being restricted.
* I love being housebound in a blizzard.
* I am a libra
* Thunderstorms cause me to be incredibly horny, no matter the time of day, the place nor what mood I was in prior to it.

Technorati Tags: beliefs, love, meme, moving house