On thoughts and feelings...

From MasterABD, when he was musing over why he blogs:

We have random thoughts flow in and out of our heads far to often to honestly believe that a punishment involves only reflection. What random thoughts flow through this girls head. What is she thinking she doesn’t want her master to know. What is she thinking she doesn’t want others to know. Something like “I was kneeling on upturned beer bottle caps writing for my master and for some strange reason what I had to make for dinner suddenly popped into my head” would be much more to my liking.

What do I think about? We know about the physical actions Sean and I partake in, you've seen some photos of us, but what about my actual thoughts and feelings? Aside from the odd out-of-character post about my depression, or the odd story post, you don't get to peer into my mind much. So let's talk about what's been on my mind these last couple of days.

Yesterday, while in the study, for some reason I have now forgotten, Sean allowed me a quick peek down his shorts. While the opportunity was there, I quickly lent over and gave the shaft of his cock a small kiss. I guess it was just a show of my affection, or perhaps I was hinting that I was a little horny. Whatever, the reason for it doesn't matter [Incidently, my kissing of his shaft eventually lead to a rather quick afternoon shag...]. After I kissed his shaft, he pulled me back up to his face and gave me a proper kiss; a tongue probing, passionate kiss. I commented that I was glad he wasn't "phobic, like some guys". He didn't understand what I meant at first, so I elaborated for him. I'm very glad he isn't one of the guys that won't kiss a girl after she's been sucking his cock. I've chatted with some guys about it before, and they've often made it clear that they won't have anything to do with a girls mouth once it's been used for giving him head. I guess its the fear of she's been down there, and it's dirty etc (there may be a part of him that fears that he would be gay if he kissed her after she's done such a thing? I don't know, I'm just guessing here...). I would be devastated if Sean looked at me with disgust as I clambered up his body after giving him a blow-job, seeking a kiss or two as a sign that he really did enjoy it. I love those post blow-job kisses. He's just so sedated and happy, it lets me shine in the knowledge that I've done well.

Anyway, after I had elaborated, Sean thought about it for a moment and soon commented that he's been there, sucked on a cock, and knows he doesn't like it much. It doesn't stop him from kissing me after I've been down there. He guessed that as he knows this about himself he doesn't have to worry about his sexuality as much as a guy who isn't so sure. So we're back to the fear of being gay, that if you kiss a girl who's just swallowed your come, you might inadvertently taste ...

Hang-on. I know what you're all thinking now. Did she really just type that? Sean's sucked on a cock? That's exactly how I felt too, I carried on thinking along the lines of why a man should worry about tasting his own come, when suddenly the words "he's sucked on a cock" sprang to my mind. I'd forgotten all about that.

Back a couple of years ago, after I had hinted to Sean that maybe I liked girls, he hinted back at me that he may like men. While my hinting about my sexuality got me nowhere (I still haven't done anything more than kiss a girl), Sean's hinting got him a lot father. Probably because he's less passive than I am. Once he knew it was fine by me if he went and explored man-to-man things, he managed to land himself a date through a mutual friend. We planned it for a day we knew I'd be working. I found this to be frustrating (I wanted to be there... I wanted a girl to play with... I was jealous of the position he was in), though at the same time it was for the best as then I knew I couldn't interfere. He went off, had some fun, and at the end of the day knew that men weren't for him after all. Oh, and he passed on some blow-job tricks that his date had shown him.

My mind wheeled with all of this knowledge I had forgotten. That old jealousy rose up again; not jealousy because I wasn't there, but jealousy because he'd had that elusive same-sex encounter. I sat quietly for a while, watched Sean as he carried on with some work on his computer, just remembering how the whole situation was brought up and how quickly he'd managed to get it all sorted out. Why couldn't I do it like that? Why couldn't I have done it in my teens, get it all figured out and be openly bisexual? (Or, indeed, know for sure that I wasn't, if that's the way it worked out) Eventually I managed to say the words, "Sean?" I mumbled rather quietly, "When do I get to go down on a girl?" He looked at me for a moment and then smiled. He mused out loud over the fact that he'd had five hours for 'free' with his date. He then told me what I wanted to hear, "It's only fair you get five hours for free too". When I asked where, he said "here", when I asked when, he told me "whenever". All I had to do was let him know as soon as I could that it was going to happen (Or that it had happened, if that's the way it goes). I was rather surprised to hear him say that to me. We had talked recently about threesomes, but then he'd told me he wasn't ready to share me. So when a girl actually came on to me at the gym (the first girl who has ever come on to me, or so I've been aware of), I declined.

I messed up my opportunity of a lifetime, my first girl-on-girl experience. She was ready for it, she was handing it to me on a plate. I just outright refused her because I thought I was doing what my boyfriend wanted by declining and leaving it to a day where he felt more comfortable.

I'm now, as the British say, kicking myself. I really should've taken her up on the offer of a drink. I should've at least got her number. So it would've been a one-night stand. So what? That'd be two firsts in one go. I just wish Sean had told me about my five free hours earlier. At least now I know. Will I ever see her again? I doubt it.

How does one go about picking up women anyway?

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