Where would she fit?

After the excitement yesterday, today I have been thinking more about a comment left on yesterday's post: "...and this begs the question, how will the girlfriend fit into your D/s dynamic (ideally)?" (Thanks to persephone)

The very night that Sean first brought up the topic of having a girlfriend for us to share, he asked whether I'd prefer a dominant girlfriend or one who would also be subordinate to him. The answer was easy - I'd want her to be in my position too. To me, it feels completely unnatural for a woman to be dominating. This goes completely against my every day interactions with most women - I surround myself with dominating people, men and women alike. But I always wonder if, deep down, the dominating women really just want to give up the control. [There is one exception, something I'll go into another time, which is when a woman has the Princess Complex. But that's for another day.]

So I think I'd be much happier if she was submissive, ideally willing to give up control and wanting to be pleasing... just like me really. This doesn't mean that she can't have problems with what she wants to do - I have problems too. I'd just want her to be willing to try to solve them. I'd want her to be fulfilled by acts of submission and service. I guess I'd want her to have the same mind set as me - open and honest, willing to try things out but also not afraid to say if something really isn't working for her.

In an ideal world, she'd be able to move in with us and she'd share my house-hold chores and our bed. Perhaps she'd be on my University course; that way we'd be able to support each other through our studies, and we'd also have the same timetable. That'd mean that we'd be able to divide every thing up really well between us when it came to looking after the house. That'd also mean that things like cooking would be quicker - we'd be home at the same time and able to get dinner on the table when Sean walks through the door. Part of me wonders if all that time together would be a good thing; but then if I got on with her as well as I get on with Sean, it'd be no problem at all - we are talking about the ideal situation, after all.

It would mean that Sean would have an extra slave to discipline... but I think he'd enjoy it more than anything. Two reddened bums are better than one, don't you think? I also think there'd be some more order to it all - as she'd be able to tell Sean when I've been bad (and vice versa). It'd sort of make it more official. And as for the sex side of things... In an ideal world there'd be very little jealousy - only the kind that makes things more interesting and intense. I think if Sean spied a stolen kiss between me and our girlfriend he'd be rather hot under the collar for the rest of the day. There'd be that extra zing to our relationship. And of course, that relationship would be three ways instead of two. That'd mean that he would be able to have sex with her just like how he does with me. Again, in an ideal world, it'd turn me on. As I think I referred to when talking about slaves, it's best to leave a sex slave wanting more; and having two slaves would allow Sean to do that more effectively.

So far, all of this sounds great. We just need to be weary of the green eyed monster, as not everything works as it does in the ideal world. We still have no idea of how to go about finding someone we both like who is both into us and willing to try a little D/s. This is all fun to talk about, but in the real world it's probably going to take at least a few months before we find someone to share our relationship with - and even then there may be problems... we have, for example, never slept with any one else (either as a couple or separately), we are both still rather young too.

But in theory, this is most definitely something I'd love to try.

Excitement

Last Saturday, Sean and I went to the library with some of his friends to catch up on some work. The work at Uni is really piling up now, and that's the main reason I haven't been posting so frequently folks. I do try, and I think Sean wants me to be more frequent now.

So anyway, there we were waiting for one of Sean's female friends to come back and join the group when Sean turns to me and tells me how much he likes her ass. The statement didn't really surprise me at all. In fact, it gave me a chance to voice my opinion of her - I like her a lot. I love how she looks and how she is around me (all smiles and compliments). The very act of Sean commenting on her allowed me to realise for myself how much I like her... and once I had realised that I could go on and think some rather naughty thoughts about her. She occupied my mind for the rest of the day, both when she was around me and later when we all went our separate ways.

A while ago, Sean and I were talking about our future together. The discussion last week about marriage got us thinking more about the potential morbid things that could happen. Along with the "I'd want you to be happy if anything happened to me" talks, we also mused over what may happen if Sean has to go and work in America for a while after he graduates. I'd still have a year at uni to go. We've been in a long distance relationship before, but that time it was 60 miles. That's nothing compared to the 5,000 plus miles we'd have to endure. We were joking about how he'd be able to control my PC over the Internet, and also about a new product he's recently spied: A vibrator that can be remotely controlled over the Internet. Scary stuff. He'd also have full access to a webcam set up on my machine so he could spy on me whenever he wanted. I joked that he'd be able to "pop in" to see which girl I'd be sleeping with that week... and as I was laughing he said, "well actually..."

It turns out that he's been thinking of me being with another girl for some time, and while he'd be happy for me to have a girlfriend if something happened that prevented us from being together, I've also found out that his previous uncertainty about me being with a girl in his presence has waned. To the extent that last night, when I was lying on his chest, he said, "I think we should get a girlfriend". My heart leaped! I couldn't believe it! He was most certainly being sincere, and now all day today I've had my eye on all the hotties I saw around me.

If we're going to get a girlfriend, there's going to have to be some changes around here. Nothing major, just all the usual things that need to be changed when someone gets back "in the game". I want to tidy up the house (We're not dirty people, but we are messy. There's laundry absolutely everywhere!), and I need to learn to shave regularly. Just little things like that.

Oooo I'm all excited! Can you tell?!

Vanilla marriage Vs D/s power exchange

Well, well, well, dear readers. I've been very quiet for the last couple of weeks, and for that I'm very sorry. The new academic year started this month, and it's been hard to juggle offline life, let alone having time to see to things online. Now things are settling down a bit more, I think I'll be able to get back to writing posts at least three times a week, hopefully more (when I started this blog I wanted it to be every day, but writing about yourself in detail each day is rather draining)

What's been happening these last few weeks?

As I think I mentioned in passing a while ago (and expanded upon in my other blog), Sean and I have had a couple of problems lately, communication being one of them. The other is my want to have a family. It's something I've been battling with a lot over the last year or so, but recently I've wanted to just give up uni and have a baby and get married and live happliy ever after. This isn't going to happen. There's no way it would work out the way I want it to. Plus, Sean is going to be self employed when he graduates this year, I have a year to go (and probably will stay on in education after)... we'll have no where near enough money to look after a baby.

But I want one. I want to be married. I want to be a stay at home mum and have lots of children and have Sean go out to work and have dinner on the table when he comes home at night, with the kids in bed ready for him to read them a bedtime story.

It struck me a couple of days ago how much I was thinking about this, and in a way it made me rather upset. I wondered why I craved a marriage and children. A wedding certificate doesn't count much these days - the average marriage in this country (UK) lasts less than 9 years. Excepting the more morbid aspects of rights if one of us dies, a marriage really doesn't top what Sean and I currently have. Sean realises this, and tells me that we're going to wait. I'm less rational.

The thing that's bothering me the most though is this question. Why do I crave these essentially vanilla concepts, when what I have at the moment with Sean (A growing 24/7 D/s relationship) is more meaningful, more committing and has a more positive impact on the both of us than a marriage would?

Delving into D/s: Types of slave

I said a while ago that I'd like to take a look at some rules others have come up with to use in their D/s lifestyle. Before I do that, I'd like to explore different roles found in D/s first. For the purposes of this post, and many to come after it I'm sure, I write about a male dom and a female sub. This is by no means a judgment upon other dynamics, it's just this dynamic that I'm familiar with.

Now, we've all heard of the three types of people: dominant, submissive or switch. As has been discussed before, there are different kinds of submissive, and it is the specific role of 'slave' that I want to explore today.

There is a vast difference between being submissive and being a slave. Being a slave is the act of taking submission to a whole new level: living at your Master's feet, pleasing them, being intuitive so that you don't have to be told more than twice to do or not do something. A slave will find great comfort in being controlled (mastered, if you will), and will find a great peace when she is with her Master.

Essentially, there are three types of slave. One person may be just one type, another may be all three. It depends upon the person, and also what the dominant wants out of the relationship.

Three types of slave:
1) Business Slave
2) Domestic Slave
3) Pleasure Slave

The business slave is the one you will read the least about when reading online journals. This is a person who will happily take on tasks for the dominant that are related to work. Often, the dominant owns his own business, and the slave will take care of the mundane paper work, accounting, organising or other activities that otherwise eat up the dominant's time. The slave will often be employed by the company, therefore having a salary. This by no means de-values the slave's position as submissive. It's often hard to recognise duality of the slave's life - dominance in work, submissive in nature.

The domestic slave is one who takes great pride in looking after the home. She is tidy and organised, and is often a brilliant cook (whether she is a natural or had be to taught, she still enjoys it). There is nothing more satisfying for her than welcoming the dominant into his tidy, warm home after a day's work, with dinner about to be served.

The pleasure slave is the type most heard about when reading online journals. This is the type many submissives strive towards. A pleasure slave understands that her reason for being is to please the Master in all things sexual. Ideally, a pleasure slave will never be fully satisfied, so that she is always ready for sexual use or service. The slave has no say in when, where, nor who with; this is all up to the Master, who also has the responsibility to make sure the slave's safety is not compromised.

What would I like to be? Ideally, I'd love to be both a sexual and domestic slave. These are things that, in the long run, I'm aiming for. Even if in the end Sean finds he doesn't want to be a full-blown Master, I'd still love to be intuitive enough to give him what he wants in bed, and to let him feel that he can take it when he pleases. I'd love to be a proper domestic worker - keeping a safe, clean home. That's something I really need to work on (standards around here have dropped since we started back at Uni). I want to become a good cook. I want to get into a routine of cleaning and cooking (with a sensible menu) so that it doesn't have to change much when we have children. Oh yeah, I do want to have children. I want us to be in a stable relationship, with no problems. This is something that, ultimately, I think our application of D/s will achieve.

More resources:
London Fetish Scene Wipipeadia
Magic's World

The Weekender #7: Gifts

This weeks question comes from David:

Is there anything about the whole BDSM 'scene' that bothers you?

Well. I've spent a long time trying to think my way through this one, as there is something that bothers me a lot about the BDSM scene. However, I think it's something that'll annoy quite a lot of people out there... so much so that I deferred the question by a week to try to come up with an answer.

Here it is. The thing that bothers me about the BDSM scene is large numbers of submissives who proclaim that their submission is a gift to their dominant. Many of these people, in my mind, are only offering their submission with several strings attached... Yes, in a very real sense a gift is given "without compensation", but those who proclaim their submission as a gift, also proclaim it as something they can chose easily to give and take away.

I have always felt submissive. Not only in the sexual sense, but in every day living. When there were arguments, I tried my hardest to resolve them, often feeling like I was the one in the wrong when I was trying to state my point of view, and often submitting to the other person to "make them happy". I have always wanted to please my parents, often taking my mother's odd mannerisms to keep her from becoming displeased with me. Even now, there are many things I do to try to keep the peace and please my significant other - I cook, I clean, I do the washing when he can't, I remind him of things, I plan his diet so he doesn't feel ill, I try to offer solutions to his problems. To me, all of this is part of my submission to him. All of this is part of who I am.

To say that all of that is something that I chose to give him, and something that - should he mistreat me - I'll be able to take away again doesn't sound true. All of those actions, even down to cleaning (which I don't enjoy), are actions that I do to please him. I don't do them because I feel that I am giving to him, I do them because I want to be cherished, I want him to be pleased with me... and maybe I'd get a reward. Therefore, these actions are not a gift, they are done with a goal in mind - even if that goal is as simple as "the house will be tidier, and HE will be pleased with me". I think that if we ever do break up, I'll find it extremely hard to take my "gift of submission" back again, it's something I'll always be giving him - if not in house-hold chores then in respect when I meet him - and it'll be something that'll be very hard to break.

Further more, I find that those who proclaim their submission as a gift are those who expect even more in return. To quote one example, "Oh, I could never give myself to someone who doesn't love, respect and care about me. Someone who doesn't want to take care of me forever, solve my problems, give me roses every week, is always romantic, never demanding and who wants to marry me too. To this man, I'll give my submission," Read through that statement again, admittedly taken out of context (this isn't the author's view), and you'll see that actually there are many strings attached to the "slave's" submission - even the rather vanilla strings of "is always romantic" and "buys me roses every week".

One thing that I find I want to conclude is this: if submission is a gift, then so is friendship in general. So is marriage, and so is dominance. In each of those scenarios, the one who is giving is also getting something in return, be it a mutual friendship, teamwork or someone willing to be dominated. After-all, who is a submissive if she doesn't have any one to submit to?

I feel that there is much more that I want to say, but can't find the right way to say them. There is one part of the "gift theory" that I appreciate - it makes the consentual part of the relationship clear. This is something that shouldn't be forgotten. At the end of the day, a dominant has no right to force his submissive to stay in the D/s relationship. To sum up, I'll once again refer back to a blog named "Submusings" written by KrynInterrupted: “The submission is the dedication and commitment that makes the power exchange possible. That is the gift because it’s given freely and whole-heartedly.”

Mmmmm....

I feel like I am drunk. Really drunk. I haven't touched alcohol in over a year. So why the drunkenness? Well, Mel just gave me awesome head. Awesome. She knelt infront of me, put her arm right round my bum, aligned my balls and lower shaft with her boobs, bent her head over and took the head of my cock in her mouth and then pushed me into thrusting using her arms. I had her hips between my knees, I felt one with her. And boy did it feel good?!

Afterwards I just wanted to sleep, so we cuddled up on bed and Mel slept for 10-20 minutes before I made her get up to go cook my dinner.

Now I am all sleepy. Life is good.

Sean.

Tee hee

Isn't alcohol great? This is the second time in 24 hours that I've been just a little tipsy. I can feel it in my legs. Sean's just finished braiding my hair. And it looks really cool. I think I'm going to say thanks by giving him a very good blowjob, with a little (or a lot) of boobie action.

This is just an update to say why we've been a little quiet. The full explaination is on my other blog - here. Let's just say that we think we're over it. So all is good.

I hope to sit down tomorrow and write out the beginning of my answer to David's question for the weekender ("Is there anything that bothers you about the BDSM scene?") Don't forget if you have a question, you can go ahead and ask it and we'll endevour to answer it.

And now, I'm going to let my tipsy-ness get the better of me and say goodbye before the typos are too bad to correct!

xxx

Hehehe I wonder how long it'll take to come through on Sean's RSS? He's on his PC right now. Probably wondering why I'm taking so long to "thank" him. ...