Confidence issues are a nuisance

Sean says the last post (link) wasn't what he was expecting. He wanted details and I didn't give them. I will try harder in the future to produce more posts that are in the same style of my first post (link) Last night we had more of the girl-on-top sex like the last few days. Suddenly my confidence has increased a lot whilst I'm up there. I guess it's because I don't feel under pressure to perform any more.

Sean carried on the story he started a couple of weeks ago (link) as I was knelt on the floor giving him head. I took him nice and slow, and it seemed like he was enjoying it. Soon he dragged me up to the bed and on top of him. He entered me roughly and it took me a little while to get into the act. As before (link), I guess I shifted position quite a lot. I've never been too comfortable on top. Sometimes I wonder if it's to do with my self-confidence being rock bottom, and sometimes I wonder if its to do with him being well endowed. Last night I think the latter factor had more importance. Every time I felt myself close to coming, something changed and he'd be in me at the wrong angle and the feeling would be replaced with achy (verging on painful) feelings instead. That particular night those feelings turned me off enough to put me off of achieving orgasm. This happened a few times and for the first time in a long time I didn't orgasm once during sex. Many would argue that was due to me not being 'stimulated' before sex, but that hasn't really been an issue before. I think it was mainly due to the achy pains when he was at the wrong angle. Anyway, that isn't to say I didn't enjoy the act - far from it. When he came I still felt the fantastic knowledge that I had made him happy.

I was happily lying on his chest when he apologised for the act lasting only 10 minutes or so; but he thought 5 orgasms in 10 minutes was greedy even for me. I made the mistake of asking him what he meant and went on to tell him I hadn't come once, let alone 5 times. I don't really remember the order of our conversation after that. Sean completely broke down in front of my eyes. He said that he felt he was doing poorly in every aspect of his life - his uni work, his programming skills... and now to top it off he couldn't even tell whether I had orgasmed or not. He said he felt like a lousy lover and he couldn't make me come properly any more; that he has to resort to thrusting deeply into me, which he never used to have to do, and it felt like cheating. By that time I was crying too - my depressive feelings always lurking, ready to come out (eg: link) - and we had a good cry together for ages. Sean will probably tell me off for writing that, but its true and I don't want to make up lies in this blog.

As it happened, Sean was violently and repeatedly ill during the night (thank God that I have a sink in my bedroom!) and he's since said that he always gets depressed before he's sick. The thing is, what he said will stick with me now until I think that it has been corrected. I feel like I shouldn't have corrected him about my lack of orgasm. But I made a promise to him ages ago that I wouldn't ever fake orgasms. I never have. And I guess that promise extends to putting him straight if he's ever widely out, like last night (In truth, that's the first time he's been out, which was probably why it was such a shock to him).

The thing about him cheating to get me to orgasm struck a note though. I've noticed for ages that I've required rougher and rougher sex to get me there. It sort of does feel like cheating, and its a far cry from the gentle sex we indulged in when we first started having sex. I've been craving gentle sex for about a week or so, but fear that it will be boring and will end up a lot rougher and I'll end up sorer than I have been. When Sean asked last night what I wanted to do I said that I wanted "long, drawn out, gentle sex" which he translated to boring sex and told me to think of something else. I couldn't, which is why he carried on the story (above).

Perhaps we should now take a break from our explorations into S&M and go back to gentle sex... Just for a few nights... I'll tell all the details, I promise...